Community Service

Yes, it’s been too long since I’ve blogged. I do have a new column online. Check it out.

I did my community service earlier this year, in April actually, and while I may still be slightly bitter at the bullshit arrest that got me there, my community service was painless and I got another small New York City adventure out of it.

Today in New York we had a scare and a tragedy. A plane crashed into a building on the Upper East Side. Some thought it was another terrorist attack but it wasn’t. It was Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle’s plane. Lidle and another person in the plane were killed. The city was scared, then sad, and will likely brush this incident up with all the other violent accidents and other happenings around the city.

If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Out of The City

We are in the middle of second heat wave, and I’m not happy about it. I can’t stand the heat, I really can’t. In my latest column, I detail why New York City summers are more miserable and oppressive than summer in other places.

One factor that I don’t mention in my column: roaches. New York City is plagued with roaches, and the summer heat makes them reproduce faster. For seriously infested buildings like mine, all the cleaning and spraying cannot compete with summer heat when it comes to the fight against roaches.

I’m leaving town this weekend, if New York City doesn’t black out before I go (knock on wood).

Keep cool and enjoy.

Poetry

My first published book arrived recently in the mail – it’s a book of poems titled Poems for Toiling in Obscurity. I gave a copy to Joel Allegretti, a legitimately good poet, and he liked them.

I’m such a lazy bastard though (as you can tell by how infrequently I post to this blog), that I haven’t done much to promote my book. Then again, only 48 people need to buy a copy in order for me to sell out.

These poems are sitting on a box on my desk, destined to be cheap gifts to people (I already sent one to my sister for her birthday).

Get yours today.

The Bright Side of Summer

Outside the air conditioned cocoon where I have confined myself today, temperatures topped 90˚ F. I can’t stand the heat. New York gets miserable when it’s hot. Heat is soaked up and stored by concrete and asphalt; exhaust from cars is trapped by buildings. People begin to get angrier and the summer sets in. More arguments break out in public and more arguments turn into fistfights and shootings. For people who hate the heat, the summer is miserable in New York City.

What keep New Yorkers sane are two things: getting out of the city occasionally and seeing attracted people of the opposite sex (or the same sex if you’re so inclined) in less clothing. For me, Breast Season starts sometime in May and is in full swing by the end of June. It’s difficult not to be caught starting at plump mammaries that are begging for your attention on the subways, streets, office buildings, restaurants and beaches every year. I have no doubt that at least 60% of sunglasses purchases by males during the summer months are motivated by the desire to breast watch with discretion.

So if we must put up with the shorter tempters, humid air and skin cancer, let’s at least celebrate the improved view.

If You Build It, I Won’t Go: Save Yankee Stadium

My latest column is finally here. I don't know if it will change any hearts and minds and make a difference, but as a New Yorker and a Yankees fan I must speak up against the terrible plan to tear down Yankee Stadium.

I hope you agree with me.

Snowblind

Today New York City sits under the heaviest snow on record. We surpassed 1947’s record snowfall of 26.4 with 26.9 inches. That’s a lot of inches. And it’s still snowing.

I’m holed up in my apartment in Inwood, thankful I had enough food in my refrigerator to preclude a trip to the supermarket. At this point it would be easier to hunt small game out of the lobby windows of my building, as Inwood Hill Park is right across the street. I’ve seen raccoons at night and I bet the ones we’ve got here in the city are rip and fat and good for eating. The raccoons would probably not be out though; they plan better for snowstorms than the rest of us city dwellers.

Last night, as the snow began to accumulate, I made some snowballs and threw them at my friends. My days of expert snowball making and throwing are well behind me and I am out of practice.

Freedom from Religion

This is considered the most offensive cartoon on the planet right now. Muslims have killed innocent people for this cartoon, burned down Danish diplomatic offices in Lebannon, and logged thousands of death threats against the cartoonist and publisher of this work. I offer it here in solidarity with those who oppose fundamentalist Islam and all other ignorant ideologies.

Barbarians at the Second Avenue Deli

In my latest column, I lament the destruction of our fair city by greedy landlords. New York is slowly being turned into a Disney-esque disgrace. There are city blocks with multiple Starbucks at the same time that live music venues, neighborhood bars and anything with history or character is torn down and paved over in the name of “progress.”

McHale’s on 8th Avenue and 46th Street is the latest casualty in this war against culture and character. A successful bar and restaurant, it had some of the best burgers in the city. It attracted all kinds of people and was my preferred place to eat in midtown/Hell’s Kitchen. It was where I met my girlfriend and where I interviewed such interesting people as the High Priest of the Church of Satan and Suicide Girl Debra Jean Danger.

One issue I don’t touch on in this column, because it’s worth a column all its own, is the plan to build a new Yankee Stadium and tear down the House that Ruth Built. Not only will this plan build a stadium over park land that has fewer seats for fans, but this will all be done with millions of our tax dollars. I’m a Yankee fan, that doesn’t mean I want to be raped by George Steinbrenner. This plan would do just that to all New York City taxpayers.

Happy New Year

It’s a New Year and it’s already off to a bad start. Thirteen miners are trapped in West Virginia, an ice rink roof collapsed in Germany, killing at least five people, and a plane crashed into the Hudson River not far from my home (both passengers survived). So far not as bad as last year’s Tsunami, but if current trends continue, it’s going to be a rough 2006.

Happy New Year.

Me and the Tax Man

Here is my latest GetUnderground.com column, where I describe my most recent losing battle with the I.R.S. I’m still battling New York State’s smaller and more bitter cousin to the I.R.S. That might be a losing battle as well. Wish me luck.