Retarded Retardation

A new non-slur has entered the rapidly expanding lexicon of offensive words, and that word is “retarded.”

Two recent events have led me to take note of this. Popular singer and Yonkers hater Lady Gaga recently apologized publicly for using the word retarded to describe a comparison of one of her songs to one of Madonna’s.

Shortly after hearing this piece of non-news, I was watching the film ‘Hairspray’ on television (the original John Waters film from 1988, not the musical remake) where the word “retards” was muted from Ricki Lake’s dialogue.

The word retard should not be considered offensive or censored from television broadcasts, and being forced to apologize for calling a comparison retarded is, well, retarded.

Mental retardation is a real condition. It is clinically documented and is characterized by a very low intelligence. While it would be wrong to insult or humiliate people who suffer from this condition, calling attention to someone or something that is very stupid by calling it retarded is not an insult to the retarded. Calling a retard a retard would be wrong because it is cruel, but calling a non-retarded person a retard is an effective way to comment on a grievous error in judgment or a pattern of bold stupidity.

Don’t let the armies of the perpetually offended scare you away from an effective vocabulary. Call those retards out and fight their self-important scolding with retard strength.

Vegas Baby! Part II

In Part I of my Vegas column, my girlfriend and I arrived in Las Vegas, explored many casinos, and ended our night with Penn & Teller.

On the Sunday morning of our stay, we decided to begin the day with a traditional Vegas-style breakfast buffet in The Riviera where we were staying. There are often long lines at buffets in Vegas, which are not as cheap as you'd think. You have to go out of the way to find a really cheap one, and then you'll probably be hit with hidden fees and add-ons etc. Anyway, the Sunday brunch buffet at The Riviera was OK, though it's tempting to spend too much time eating just to make sure you get your money's worth. We stuffed ourselves and then started on our way to The Gun Store.

The Gun Store is a gun store in Las Vegas that boasts an indoor firing range where tourists can shoot a wide variety of machine guns. They have many rental packages that would allow you to shoot a combination of guns for a set price.

We took the monorail to the MGM Grand and then walked to the corner of Las Vegas Blvd. ("The Strip") and Tropicana Ave. The intersections along the Strip in Vegas are designed with overpasses so the authorities do not have to scrape clueless or drunk tourists off of the pavement every day. Like New York's streets, the tourist-heavy overpasses are populated with homeless people begging for money with cardboard signs, wanna-be rapper street hoodlums trying to hawk their demo CDs for "donations," and legit street performers.

At the bus stop, and older man in a tuxedo waited with us with a luggage carrier. We asked him how much the buses cost and struck up a conversation with him. He told us that he was a magician and performs "wherever they will let me." We told him we were headed to The Gun Store and he told us that we were going to see a side of Las Vegas that tourists never see. He said we'd see husbands selling their wives on the street into sexual slavery and all kinds of homeless. We did see at least one homeless person among the trampled people beyond the world of the casinos, and what I've heard from others who have been or lived in Las Vegas is that much of it is a wasteland of meth-heads and Mexicans. There is plenty of desert and run-down looking areas, but we did not see the white trash purgatory we had been promised.

It did not take us much time to get to The Gun Store. It is a plain building with a small parking lot on a street that has apartment complexes on one side and auto body shops and chain restaurants on the other. The Gun Store has an indoor shooting range where people can shoot all kinds of guns as well as an actual gun store where you can buy a gun or other firearms-related items. When we got there, the place was packed. Tourists from all over America long to shoot big guns while they're in Vegas, and The Gun Store has tapped this market with relish. Business was booming. I signed up to shoot an AK-47 and an M249 Saw and my girlfriend got the "Women's package" that for her consisted of a pink AK-47 with a 'Hello Kitty' sticker on it and a handgun. Slender women worked the cash registers, though I did catch a glimpse of one girl loading bullets into a magazine in a back room. Men in tactical pants and t-shirts, all of them armed with handguns, took customers and guns back and forth to the inside shooting range. There was a jovial atmosphere there- one group of men made one of their number wear a women's pink Gun Store tank top- and things moved quickly considering how crowded it was.

My girlfriend got to shoot a handgun and the special women's AK; I shot a regular AK and an M249 Saw. The Saw makes a great roaring sound and you can hear and feel it when you're waiting on the other side of the double bulletproof glass. I had my photo taken with the Saw and sent it to a few people, including my brother, a former Marine. "The M249 Saw; I carried that pig for a whole year. Enjoy," he texted me, following it up with "The only good thing to ever come out of France."

After the Gun Store we caught another bus back to The Strip and made our way north, making a point to walk through The Paris and The Flamingo. There were some things in Las Vegas that we just didn't do because they seemed too crowded and too expensive to be much fun. Riding the $14 roller-coaster in New York, N.Y. and spending about $18 to go to the top of the faux Eiffel Tower at The Paris were among them.

The Bradley Ogden restaurant in Caesar's Palace was where my girlfriend, a very knowledgeable yet non-obnoxious organic food enthusiast, decided we would go for a meal at a nice restaurant. She chose wisely. It was a very memorable meal and the food and service were outstanding. I felt underdressed wearing a t-shirt and jeans in such a fancy place – the waitresses there wear jackets and ties in some androgynous policy that's only a little unsettling. Our fancy meal done, we stopped back at our hotel briefly and then set out to see the midnight laser light show on Fremont Street.

Fremont Street, which is what is called "Old Vegas," has many casinos on it along with arcades, tourist shops and bars. There is a long zip line running much of the covered street and all night you can see merry visitors soaring overhead harnessed to the line. There are outdoor stages where cheesy cover bands will play for a handfuls of people but act like they are playing to a sold-out stadium. Spotting a man dressed like Paul Stanley of KISS, I asked him where Ace was. "I don't know," was his answer. I soon realized why the KISS impersonators were there: the light show that night was a KISS-themed one, with video clips interspersed with song clips of famous KISS songs, namely 'Rock and Roll All Night.' Another interesting a propos note for KISS fans: the bus line we took to get to Fremont Street is called "The Deuce."

There was not enough time to see everything we wanted to see in Vegas, but we vowed to return.

Vegas Baby! Part I

As a proud American, I must confess I still have not visited many of my nation's treasures. I have been slow to hike the Grand Canyon or gaze upon Mount Rushmore. I have not yet traversed the Rocky Mountains or canoed on the mighty Mississippi. There is much of the world I want to see but I feel obligated to first see more of my own great country. This is what brought me to Las Vegas.

I heard no lukewarm reviews of Las Vegas. Friends either told me it was a fun, incredible place that everyone should experience or a disgusting wasteland with nothing to offer the non-degenerate gambler. But inspiration and opportunity finally met with the help of my most excellent girlfriend, who had visited Vegas before. We booked our trip after scouring the Internet for deals and thought we did pretty well.

People had mentioned that there were slot machines at the airport and I did not doubt it, but I thought there would be a few token slot machines stuck in a corner someplace or used for show here and there. But there are lots of slot machines at the airport. And I would discover that every business gets in on the act. The small gas station and convenience store behind our hotel had a row of video slot machines and advertises a lucrative prize. No matter where you turn, a video slot machine is waiting to take your money.

After slogging through the near empty airport and waiting for the shuttle train to take us to the exit, we waited around for a shuttle bus to our hotel. We finally arrived at The Riviera hotel and casino in the early morning hours of Saturday. Even though it was two in the morning, there was a half-hour wait to register for our room. But we wound up lucking out: because regular rooms were booked up, we were upgraded to a suite at no extra charge.

The Riviera has seen better days. It was one of the most famous casinos in Las Vegas in its earlier days, but the company that owns it declared bankruptcy last year. It's a nice enough place, but looks run down and just can't compare to the larger, newer casinos. It is still living in its past glories and features a Rat Pack impersonators show and a topless review. Video screens play endless commercials for these shows endlessly while you wait in line to register. Somehow we didn't mind. In Las Vegas, you're just happy to be there, even if there is a run-down hotel at 2:30 in the morning.

Even though it was nearly 3 a.m. by the time we got to our room, I wanted to go out and see some of Vegas. The Riviera is on the Vegas strip (actual name: Las Vegas Boulevard), and on the ride to our hotel parts of it were bustling with people, some of them carrying very large drinking yards slung around their necks with lanyards. We went down to the strip but passed through the Riviera's casino first.

The slot machines in the casinos are vast seas of eye-melting light and constant sound. Every casino will have at least one or two cars sitting atop a platform and surrounded by a bank of video slot machines that one could theoretically use to buy the car.

Waitresses in Las Vegas are almost always dressed in the most threadbare outfits. No cocktail waitress in Vegas is dressed modestly, the only possible exception to this being Circus Circus, which is deemed the more family friendly casino and hotel. It is crawling with children and has waitresses who don't dress as slutty, but otherwise looks like most other casinos.

At 3 a.m., even a less popular casino like The Riviera is humming with activity. The slot machines ring out with beeps spinning sounds, a blackjack dealer with a low-slung shirt and a strong push-up bra works a table while a slim waitress, dressed audaciously and looking tired and haggard from the neck up, passes by as she ferries drinks to thirsty gamblers.

We did not journey far on the Strip our first night; it was raining and we were tired, so we turned in for the night, closing the curtain on the alluring bright lights of Las Vegas.

The next morning, we set out for casino exploring after breakfast. We walked north along the Strip in the direction of the Stratosphere and The Sahara.

Things are out of proportion in Vegas because buildings are so large. The Stratosphere and The Sahara did not look very far away, but it was a long walk, even for two city dwellers accustomed to walking long distances to get places. Also, there's a lot of construction going on in Las Vegas. You will not travel far before you pass by a large, empty, fenced-off space occupied by construction equipment or office trailers.

It was at The Sahara that I had my most luck gambling in Las Vegas. The $5 Blackjack tables called to me. I came across one table that was occupied by a very heavy couple in cowboy hats and a biker from the Choir Boys Motorcycle Club.

Casinos in Las Vegas are impressive and grandiose, but after a while they can all begin to blur together. The casino that was most impressive was the MGM Grand. It was ornate without being overwrought and tacky and exuded an element of class. It has a lion habitat where you can view two very lazy female lions and the largest sports betting area I think I've ever seen. It has the same dizzying array of fancy shops, restaurants and a seemingly endless casino, but its design is somehow better and it seems a more inviting place. Caesar's Palace was impressive for its ostentatiously-executed Roman theme.

Perhaps the only real disappointment in Las Vegas was that slot machines are not the slot machines of old that take quarters or chips and require you to pull on a handle. Most slot machines take only bills or scan-able tickets and have no levers to pull, only buttons to push. A torrent of coins does not descend to a tray if you win, but when you push a button to cash out, these new slot machines will play the sound of coins cascading. You'll put your dollars into the machine, but will only get a paper ticket out. You have to go to a cashier or to one of the ticket redemption/bill breaker machines that populate the slot machine areas to cash in your ticket.

There are so many varieties of slot machines that the odd one will grab your attention. The Gold Nugget got two of my dollars because they had a Harry Houdini-themed slot machine, and I thought the great escape artist might bring me some good luck. But I did not escape the Golden Nugget any richer. Despite being disappointed with the lack of traditional slot machines and remaining pretty disciplined when it came to gambling, the video slot machines manage to lure you to them. If you're standing in a casino, waiting for someone to come out of the bathroom or waiting for a table in a restaurant, the slot machines will seem like an appealing option. You can sit at a slot machine and be entertained for a few minutes for the cost of a dollar. There are things you need to figure out also: how many lines do I play and how many bets should I make per line? And figuring this out takes your mind off of your money.

The night we booked our trip to Vegas, I made sure to buy tickets to see Penn & Teller. I've been a die-hard Penn & Teller fan for a long time, but they rarely play New York because they've had a regular nightly show in Las Vegas for about 20 years now. They play at the Rio, which is off the Strip a little ways. We walked there from Caesar's Palace, and it's one of those Las Vegas walks that looked a lot shorter than it is. We got there plenty early and got to explore the casino. Chippendale's has a location in the Rio, and as it got later more and more groups of women in tight black evening dresses arrived for an evening of fun at Chippendale's. But soon it was time to head to the Penn & Teller Theater to see Penn & Teller.

Before the show, the theater opened early and as people found their seats, a small jazz band played on the side of the stage as audience members were invited to visit the stage for a “box inspection and envelope signing event.” If you happen to look over at the jazz band while you're on stage, you would notice that Penn is playing bass while wearing some ridiculous fake sideburns and street clothes; it's difficult to discern this from the audience. The show itself was excellent and I did not go away disappointed. There were some new and funny tricks they did and at least one cringing moment when I thought Penn was going to shoot himself in the groin with a hydraulic nail gun.

When I saw them in New York in 2000, the city's ridiculously strict gun laws prohibited them from doing their famous version of the bullet catching trick (they use real .357 Magnums). They ended the show with that trick, and I can't figure out how it's done.

After Penn & Teller finish their show, they run out to the lobby and meet whoever wants to meet them. I waited patiently to get my photo taken with both Penn and Teller—when I saw them last in New York I had a great photo with both of them on my cell phone but lost it. I thanked Penn for supporting Al Goldstein.

The girlfriend and I took a free shuttle bus from the Rio to Harrah's, where we caught the monorail back toward the Riviera to end our first full day together in Vegas.