For the tourist, and many of the locals, New York is a
series of attractions and experiences that everyone must check off of their
bucket list in order to consider their New York experience authentic or
complete. But there are some things that are overrated and that resident and
tourist alike should move to the bottom of their list.
Let’s make
not being a sucker one of the authentic New York experiences once again. Here
are five New York attractions that get way too much attention, along with some
more reasonable alternatives:
The Statue of Liberty. The Statue of
Liberty is a beautiful monument to the enduring symbol of freedom America is to
the world. However, visiting Lady Liberty means paying a shyster ferry company
for an overpriced ticket out there, standing in a long line to go through
TSA-style incompetent security care of the U.S. Park Police, and then riding to
Liberty Island where you can wait in another long line if you want to get to
the top of the statue’s crown. Once you get up there, you’ll have a few seconds
in front of a small window before you are hustled on your way. It’s not worth
the money or the time out of your life. As an alternative, the Staten Island Ferry is absolutely
free, requires no strip search, and will get you within great photograph
distance of both the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island.
Brick Oven Pizza. Hipsters
and tourists stand in long lines and pay high prices for pizza that is burned,
unevenly cooked, and gives you less of everything. Somewhere a mob-connected
pizza scammer is laughing until he wets his creased chino pants. Go ahead and
wait hours for your sucky overpriced pizzas and brag to your friends how you
pretended to enjoy the thin crust and the flimsy layer of “artisanal” cheese.
Meanwhile, any real neighborhood pizza place will get you a delicious slice or
pie for a good price. Here’s an effective litmus test of any New York pizza
place: if it doesn’t have parmesan cheese for you to sprinkle on your pizza,
walk away.
The Central Park Zoo. Every zoo in New York that isn’t the Bronx
Zoo is playing second fiddle to that fine animal kingdom. The Central Park Zoo
gets lots of foot traffic because of its location but it’s overrated and
doesn’t have as much to offer as its counterpart in Queens. People are too
enthralled with being in the heart of Manhattan to notice that the zoo they
paid for sucks. Take the 7 train to Queens and you can experience the QueensZoo in Flushing Meadows-Corona Park. The Queens Zoo is half the price
of the Central Park Zoo and has more to offer.
Thanksgiving Eve Balloon Inflation
Stampede. The night before Thanksgiving, thousands upon thousands of New
Yorkers, tourists and their children make their way to the Upper West Side to
see the Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons before the parade. While it’s a
relatively mild, family-friendly mob scene, it’s still a mob scene that
requires you to pack into a small area where you have no choice but to follow
the slow moving crowd. The balloons are inflated but kept under nets at odd
angles. This might make for some unintended comedy. It might look like the Buzz
Lightyear balloon is being fellated by Pikachu and that might be hilarious, but
it’s not hours of being herded like cattle hilarious, and you can’t expect your
children to find that funny if you’re a parent. Wait until the BigApple Circus comes to your borough and take the kids to see that. There
will be some impressive talent and you can save Thanksgiving Eve for preparing
for Thanksgiving.
Fancy cupcake shops. I like cupcakes as
much as the next guy, but any bakery not run by blind monkeys can churn out
delicious cupcakes. How a few choice cupcake stores have made everyone whore
themselves out for their goods is beyond me. I was at a catered event and had a
cupcake from the Magnolia Bakery. It was good, but so where cupcakes I had from
school bake sales and every other bakery I’ve been to. For a good New York
dessert experience, go to the Lemon Ice King of Corona in Corona,
Queens. It is a famous place but it’s far enough away from Manhattan that
you’ll have a real New York experience and not be a fool.
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