The Answer to Bullying: Ass-Kicking Gays

A recent spate of suicides by gay teenagers has our media and our left-leaning political leaders up in arms about gays being bullied.

When I was a freshman in high school, someone threw a grape at me in the school cafeteria. The grape hit me in the face and I picked it up to throw it back. A much larger senior stood up and said he had thrown it at me. Without thinking, I threw it back at him, which was his excuse to charge at me. I got my skinny freshman ass kicked, and it sucked. But that didn’t matter. I showed everyone I was willing to take on someone bigger and stronger, and no one ever picked a fight with me in high school ever again.

Middle school and high school are like prison. You have to show your fellow inmates you’ll fight back, or you’ll forever be stepped on. It doesn’t matter if you lose; it matters that you fight back. Verbally or physically, people need to stand up for themselves.

Bullying has been with us forever, it was going strong when I was growing up and will be with us generations from now. The answer to bullying is to make sure we have kids who are confident in themselves and think independently. Let’s spend more resources raising kids who think for themselves and fight back.

We don’t need to wear purple, wave rainbow flags, or weep about how special and beautiful everyone is. Too much of our culture already celebrates the effeminate and the weak. We don’t want children who are mindlessly accepting any more than we want children who are mindlessly hateful. And we don’t want to tarnish our freedoms by passing more unconstitutional hate crime laws.

The truth is not everyone is special and lovable. There are plenty of useless people in the world who don’t deserve our sympathy. What we need to stop this allegedly epidemic bullying of gays are more badass gays.

And so I present to you some proud members of the LGBT—now called the LGBTQA(WTF)—community who will serve as better role models for our homosexual youth.

1. Gary Floyd: If you think it’s tough being openly gay today, try being a gay, communist punk rocker in Texas 25 years ago. As the lead singer of The Dicks, Floyd denounced police, homophobes and other things that annoyed him without apology. The Dick’s song ‘Saturday Night at the Bookstore’ is a frustrated gay rant that is one of the angriest and most punk of punk rock songs. Another openly gay punk band from that same era was The Big Boys, also from Texas. Big Boys singer Randy “Biscuit” Turner, who passed away in 2005, was also a noted skateboarder.

2. Pat Patterson: Lots of gays have survived bullying and the disapproving stares of the general public, how many have survived an alley fight match with Sergeant Slaughter? Pat Patterson’s homosexuality was considered an open secret in the wrestling world for many years, and he continues to work in wrestling today as a talent scout and producer. Chris Kanyon more recently made news when he came out of the closet. Like body building and lots if not all other sports, pro-wrestling has long catered to homophobic fans at the same time it has had a consistent gay following.

3. Bob Mould: Bob Mould is where wrestling and punk rock converge. As the singer and guitar player for the punk band Hüsker Dü, Mould allegedly kicked anyone in the head who spit on him (spitting on your favorite punk rock band was a big tradition back in the 1970s and early 1980s). He later went on to be a writer for World Championship Wrestling.

4. G.G. Allin: I know, I know, G.G. Allin was a bisexual and a violent drug addict who threw poop at people. But so what? Who was going to bully a naked man covered in his own blood and feces? G.G. Allin would punch you in the face at his show and then let you perform fellatio on him afterwards. Even at his worst, Allin’s music beats anything by Clay Aiken.

5. Wanda Sykes: the world of sports provides us with plenty of tough lesbians. Wanda Sykes stands out as an outstanding comedienne. And surviving in comedy, especially when performing at a lot of black comedy clubs where hecklers are notoriously merciless, is tough.

6. Christopher Marlowe: Marlowe was one of the bravest writers ever. He lived in the time of William Shakespeare and some conspiracy theorists claim he is the actual author of Shakespeare’s plays. He was gay and an atheist when both could get you killed legally. Marlowe worked as a spy, was accused of blasphemy and was murdered mysteriously. What poets and playwrights today have half that courage?

7. Rob Halford: Lead singer of Judas Priest, Halford is one of the gods of heavy metal. “I don’t know why so few people caught on,” he said after coming out of the closet in the 1990s, “I was always dressed like one of the Village People.”