There’s been a lot of discussion in the news of recent political violence in this
country. Scuffles have broken out at political rallies between protesters and
supporters of rival candidates. Protests have gotten ugly. The overwhelming
majority of Americans deplore violence of all kinds.
We’ll have no shortage of political ugliness in New York.
Some of it has already gotten under way in earnest. But our Gotham is full of
human abominations that people of all political affiliations can agree ought to
be subjected to swift and brutal physical punishment on sight. Here is a catalogue
of the top five worthy subjects:
People who stand on the left side of the
escalator. Sometimes people don’t realize that they have committed this
infraction and there are people who come to New York from parts of the world
where escalators are rare (watching Haitians attempt to board an escalator at
JFK airport was an eye-opening experience), and they are usually sensible
enough to move aside when you say “excuse me.” But some people think that an
escalator is an amusement park ride, and they ought to have some common sense
and manners beaten into them frequently and without mercy.
People who read their smartphone, kindle or
book while walking. You can
see these zombies a mile away and each one of them thinks they are the rare
exception that can pull it off and not be that plodding imbecile impeding the
progress of our precious Gotham. They are wrong. Trample them underfoot. They
are not fit to live here.
People who use public transit seats for their luggage. Unless
your purse or backpack paid $2.75 to ride this crowded bus or subway, let it
sit on the floor or on your lap, or else you will find a host of volunteers
willing to cram it up your ass.
Cyclists who ride on sidewalks, run red
lights and ride on the wrong side the road. It is never these rancid,
entitled brats who are dragged to their deserved deaths by garbage trucks or
city buses, but it should be. If I’d go to jail for doing it with a car, don’t
you dare try it with a bicycle. What’s most galling is when they yell at pedestrians
to get out of their way as they are preparing to run a red light.
People who listen to music or watch videos
in public spaces without earphones.
Some people are not content speaking on their cell phones in theaters, they
want to bring the theater experience with them and everyone within earshot.
Simply inform these people that their earphones must be broken since you can
hear their sports event/Chinese soap opera/rap mix tape, etc. If they don’t get
to the hint, see to it that their devices and jaw is broken as well.
Can we all get along? Yes, we can all agree that some people
need to learn some manners. New Yorkers can
unite around these common enemies.
